Jun. 6, 2016

Finding myself hidden deep inside my mind, heart and soul.

 I know this might sound absolutely crazy but I was honestly lost in the darkest spot hidden in the deepest depth of my mind, heart and soul. Who I was had been covered up by all of the opinions, thoughts, words and emotions that had been shared with me about who people told me I was. Inadvertently this is no fault of anyones really, just a way of my mind dealing with what was pressured upon me. I didnt even know that I was a hidden. I seemed to always be searching for something to help me feel happy, not the kind of happy that makes you smile or laugh, but the kind of happy that soothes your soul and fills you with so much pleasure that it can give you goose bump just thinking about. This was the beginning of my journey to stop “Being a stranger in my own skin'. I needed to introduce myself to this stranger whom I had never met yet I was completely connected with.

Body image- I wasnt even sure where to begin looking for this stranger, so I first started with my body, She must be hidden under all of this FAT, I told myself. If I can just loose this weight then I can find myself, nope thats not it at all. Who knew, fat doesnt make a person who they are. I struggled with this one for years. I became so embarrassed by my fat that I thought I was hidding myself with, I began to fear leaving my home. I avoided seeing people and became even more depressed and more hiden, all while not even realizing what I was doing. On a good note, I knew that I was great at something so I started using that to cover up how I was feeling. I am a great Mom, not a perfect Mom, but I am great at loving my children and loving other peoples children. THIS WAS IT, I thought to myself. I must have found who I am. I am good at serving others full heartly and without expecting anything in return.

Parenting- There is such a funny thing about parenting. It becomes a domino effect without even trying. Because my kiddos are kind, loving, giving, hard working and great self-confident individuals, people began to start asking me parenting question and revered me as an “Expert parent” or “Perfect parent”, now of coarse I am not perfect in any way and an expert was stretching my expertise. I was so “Happy” to be “needed”(as if being a parent you arent already needed). This went on and still continues but I still didnt feel the kind of happy I was looking for and I still felt like I was hiding under those labels.

The move- Well as years went on my family and I were forced to moved due to the economy and career changes for my hubby. We knew people in this small little town but most of them were very offish and we had lost our connection years before. This left me with nobody but myself to judge me or expect anything from me. I was scared, depressed, and angry at life, at god, at the ecomony, and at my hubby. I didnt know how to react. How am I supposed to rely on a complete stranger (Me). Well I did the only thing a “good” parent would do. I was happy for my kiddos, I started to make a life for myself based on being “happy” for my kiddos (this is not true happiness btw). I didnt care if it was a cover, It was what I “had” to do.

Belly Dancing- Let me back up a bit, My 3 girls and I had been apart of a belly dancing troupe for years. My girls performed but I was to ashamed of myself to let anyone but a few unjudging, lovely ladies see me dance. We loved the dance, the culture, the community and missed it greatly.

Ok now back to my journey. My girls had begged and begged for us to start dancing again and to start our own troupe here in our new little town. I agreed to start dancing with them and choreographed their dance for a local Talent show. I started to notice hesitation in my girls and they stared to talk about how they were embarrassed  and felt they weren't good enough. OH NO!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE? I did it, the parenting no no. I had taught them, by example, how to dislike themselves.

Enough is Enough- I had enough, I had let my “lost self” effect my kiddos and I wasn't going to let this continue. I know longer was looking for an excuse to be happy, I was going to do this for me. I wanted to be an example and I wanted my kiddos to ALWAYS know who they are from the inside out. I wanted them to know themselves so well that when they asked a question of themselves, their body, mind and spirit would answer with wisdom and poise. I wasn't going to raise my kiddos as strangers in their own body. I had to act now!

My new beginning- I had to ease into this territory, I had never tread the waters of confidence and love for ones self. I decided that I was going to start a small belly dance troupe called Hasana Belly Dance (Hasana means beautiful in ), per my girls request. This troupe consisted of about 12 teenage girls from they ages of 12-18 (Hey I said I was easing into this and I wasn't ready for people my own age lol) I was determined to teach these girl to know and love their own beauty. I wanted these girls to be confident in who they are, love who they are and know themselves from every aspect. This troupe was built upon grace, love, respect and constant positivity.

Domino effect- We are back to another point in time where I found a domino effect. Positivity breeds positivity, love breeds love and grace breeds grace. These girls were such an example to me and so many around them. They brought smiles were smiles were needed and grace were grace was needed, they were a pillar of love. Little girls would often call them princesses or angels. They were my heaven sent angels. It was then that I found it........

Me- I felt myself peel, as if I was shedding every ounce of emotion that I had every felt. I saw these girl blossom and I then knew that I had found myself. I was a person who loved to bring a smile, I was the person who felt pure joy from feeling the others melt into happiness. I was the person who fed off of every beautiful ray of sunshine. I was beaming, I could feel my soul shine as if I had sunshine inside of me. I felt as if nothing could bring me down. I had found ME! I know me and it no longer feels strange.

 

Who are you?

What makes you, you?

Find your wonderful you and let it shine for all to feel.

Blessings Tabitha Reid Heart